By Pam Farrel
Often engaged couples, newlyweds or couples whose marriages seem to be “on the rocks” ask us, “What ONE THING keeps your marriage more harmonious?
In The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make, we offer many ways to avoid and, when necessary, handle disagreements.
One we have seen most helpful in our own marriage and thousands of couples is the Conflict Covenant. This will help you decide the “rules of engagement” or how you will handle issues when you are not seeing “eye to eye.”
Creating one is a great date night activity, and it is best done when you are NOT in a conflict!
Answer the questions below (It is best if each of you make notes in a journal for each question as you go along.)
Then, at the end, we give you a few ideas on how to write up the conflict covenant more creatively!
What actions will or won’t you do? (How will you cool off if discussing escalates to yelling? How will you avoid physical violence?)
What words will or won’t you use? (We recommend no swearing or belittling, and we recommend taking the word divorce out of vocabulary, etc.)
When will you call in help? (And who will you call: a counselor? your pastor? a mentor couple?)
At what point will each of you “blow the whistle” and seek legal and spiritual help if violations occur?
Most couples struggle to know when to call for outside help.
We suggest that your marriage needs outside help to FIX it if one or all these things exist:
Fighting more than getting along
Intimacy has ceased
Exiting the marriage feels like the last resort
Third party help can range from nearly free (as often offered in a local church setting), or a sliding scale (some Christian counselors or non-profit counseling centers offer this).
Or you might need the more intensive weekend or weeklong (or longer) getaways often run in a safe and serene setting by a very experienced expert(s). Focus on the Family has partnered with the National Institute of Marriage to give this vital help to troubled marriages. In addition, check with Family Life Today and Mark and Jill Savage’s Marriage Ministry Intensives.
Often your local pastor, the author of your favorite marriage book, or American Association of Christian Counselors can help you discern the best option for your situation. Check their websites or email experts through their site to see if they have recommendations for you.
Try to protect the privacy of your marriage and give optimum opportunity for change by carefully selecting people to help who keep confidence.
On our Love-wise.com website, we have penned an article with more information and help on what to do if your marriage is feeling like it is On the Rocks. Also, our book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples is an 8-week guide looking at the common areas of conflict and how to find unity. Love, Honor and Forgive is an in-depth rebuilding tool chest for troubled marriages.
A Word Picture for Hope
Do you two have a favorite sport or activity?
Sometimes enjoying that activity helps remind you both that you do like each other! That activity can also be used to format the agreement.
For example, one clever couple uses boxing:
First: Go to the Mat: Decide to open conversations with prayer.
Second: Go to our corner: Separate for a little while (hour or so to calm down) if we feel we might say something we’d regret.
Third: Call in the referee: If we can’t solve the issue in three “rounds” of discussion, then call in a third party: mentor, pastor, or specialist in conflict.
Fourth: Go into training: Attend a yearly marriage event to “stay in shape” for love.
Is there a clever idea you want to incorporate to add in a little levity or humor? Humor is a great stress de-stressor if used carefully. Some of our friends when they sense tempers are rising say, “Want a candy bar?” Then they take the time to chew a fun-sized bar. That is about the right amount of time for them to cool down. (A sweet way to count to ten!)
Is there a favorite verse you both can memorize that will be a communications guideline? A frequently cited one is:
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26–27 ESV).
We know that this might feel impossible when you have work the next day or kids to care for, so if your disagreement can’t be settled in one sitting, we simply reschedule, and close in prayer with a sentence of affirmation like “We will get through this with God’s help.”
Then keep rescheduling, keep praying and keep saying, ‘I love you” until you are madly in love again and want to seal your unity with some “red hot monogamy”!
Write Up Your Covenant
For ease begin it with something like:
We, Pam and Bill Farrel, promise to . . . NEVER
-Hit.
-Swear.
-Yell.
-Say the word divorce.
-Use words that belittle or scar.
-Use words I would be sorry I’d said if you died.
-Use vocabulary that rationalizes bad behavior.
ALWAYS
-Say “I love you.”
-Say “I am sorry. Please forgive me.”
-Forgive and give grace and mercy.
-Use words that speak for my own feelings.
-Use words that give hope and life.
-Hold hands (It is just less likely one of us would throw something!)
-Pray and ask for God’s help.
-Reschedule and keep rescheduling until we can agree.
-Be humble enough to ask for help.
-Attend marriage enrichment classes, conferences and getaways
As a safeguard to your love, look to mentors who have survived a few storms; time with them will give you hope.
Pam asked her grandparents’ advice for long-lasting love on their 60th wedding anniversary. Her grandma looked at her grandpa with a twinkle in her eye and replied, “Honey, pure grit and determination!” Instead of fighting each other, fight FOR your marriage. Make it a covenant that you WILL love “for better or for worse.” If you follow your conflict covenant, you will see things go from worse to better!
Pam and Bill Farrel are co-directors of Love-wise. Authors of 61 books including bestselling, Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. A template for A Conflict Covenant is available at www.Love-Wise.com
