By Dr. Michelle Bengtson
It’s the most wonderful time of the year—or so we’re told.
Streets sparkle with holiday lights, mailboxes overflow with cheerful cards, and homes glow with decorated trees, twinkling ornaments, and perfectly wrapped gifts.
Calendars fill with concerts, parties, and tree lightings. Even television and shopping malls join in with festive music, reindeer, and snowmen promising happy endings. But behind the “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” greetings, many silently struggle.
For some, the holidays bring not joy but despair, loneliness, and depression. If you’ve ever felt a pang of sadness during the holidays, you’re not alone. For many, this season magnifies feelings of loss, isolation, or unmet expectations.
I’m often asked: How can I walk alongside someone who is depressed—especially during the holidays?
Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40 NIV). When we reach out to those who are hurting, we honor Christ. But sometimes, we need guidance on how to love well. Here are some practical do’s and don’ts for supporting someone who is battling depression at Christmastime.
What to Do
1. Be mindful of holiday triggers.
If holiday events intensify their depression, spend time together in other settings. You don’t have to drag them to the office Christmas party or expect them to attend a cookie exchange. Instead, suggest going for coffee, taking a walk, or enjoying a simple meal together.
Avoid gift exchanges if they bring financial or emotional stress.
2. Include them wisely.
If loneliness worsens their sadness, invite them into your holiday rhythms—but thoughtfully. Including them doesn’t have to mean joining your family for every intimate tradition.
You might invite them to a Christmas Eve service, a choir concert, or even to drive through a neighborhood with Christmas lights. These activities can foster connection without overwhelming them.
3. Keep expectations low.
Depression drains energy. Even simple tasks—returning a call, preparing a meal, or showing up on time—can feel daunting.
Extend grace if theycancel plans or seem withdrawn. Meeting them where they’re comfortable and offering practical help (like bringing a meal or helping with errands) speaks volumes.
4. Respect their feelings.
Depression isn’t simply “the blues.” It’s a medical condition, like diabetes or heart disease, and no one chooses to feel this way.
Even if you can’t relate personally, you can honor their struggle. Words like “I can see this is really hard for you” validate their experience.
5. Redirect conversations when needed.
For some, the holidays heighten grief over loved ones who are gone. While reminiscing may bring comfort to one person, it can deepen sorrow for another.
Pay attention to cues. If talking about loss is painful, shift to lighter topics like hobbies, books, or shared memories that bring joy.
6. Simply be present.
Often, the best gift you can give is yourself. Sit with them in silence, watch a movie together, or run errands side by side. Your presence tells them they’re not forgotten.
Invite them along, but respect their “no.” Your steady availability speaks louder than any lecture could.
7. Pray for and with them.
Before meeting with them, pray—for them, for yourself, and for God’s mercy and grace to flow through you.
Depression whispers lies about worthlessness and hopelessness. Ask God to help you embody His truth in your words and actions. Offering to pray with them, even briefly, can also remind them they’re not alone in their struggle.
What Not to Do
1. Don’t judge or criticize.
If you haven’t experienced depression, it can be tempting to think, “They just need to snap out of it.” But that response only adds shame to their burden. Instead, follow Jesus’ example of compassion.
2. Don’t compare.
Avoid comments like, “Well, at least you don’t have it as bad as so-andso.” Their pain is real, regardless of someone else’s circumstances. Comparison rarely comforts—it usually isolates.
3. Don’t minimize.
Phrases like “It’s not that bad” or “This too shall pass” might seem encouraging, but to someone deep in depression, they feel dismissive. A more loving response is, “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m here with you.”
Paul encouraged, “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15 NLT). This verse reminds us that our role isn’t to fix others but to walk alongside them in empathy. Y
ou cannot remove another person’s depression. But you can lighten their load by offering presence, patience, and prayer. You can remind them, by your actions, that they matter to God and to you.
And that gift—though not wrapped in ribbons or topped with a shiny bow—may be the most meaningful one you offer this Christmas.
Dr. Michelle Bengtson is a hope concierge! Whether as a boardcertified clinical neuropsychologist, host of the award-winning podcast Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson, or the author of several award-winning books. Her newest release is Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted.
