By PeggySue Wells
Saturday morning, my teen groused around the house.
I tried to cheer her up with tea, a couple of jokes, and her favorite pancakes. Her attitude didn’t improve. I reasoned the problem must be me. Doubtless, my daughter thought I stink as a mom and she’d rather spend Saturday with anyone else.
Feeling rejected, I got quiet.
Simmering internally, I debated venting my hurt with a barbed jab about her homework and grades. But I paused. The moment you feel rejected is your most powerful time to choose.
Paul instructed in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (ESV).
If we’re doing our best to live peaceably, why does conflict escalate between those we love, neighbors, community members, political parties, and world governments?
To my grousing teen, I gently and honestly said, “The story I’m making up in my head right now is that I stink as a parent and you’d rather be anywhere than here with me.” My teen looked up and tears filled her eyes. “I just learned the boy I babysit has leukemia.”
The Root of Conflict
As fellow inhabitants of planet Earth, we’re proficient at the 5 R’s.
The process goes like this:
1. Something happens or is said, done, not said, or not done that results in me feeling rejected.
2. Rejection feels lousy, so I become resentful about feeling rejected.
3. Resentful, I resist relationship with the person I feel resentful toward.
4. Resistance becomes action when it leads to revenge.
5. Repeat.
Unresolved, this cycle repeats automatically until a relationship is damaged beyond repair. This is the foundation for holidays where folks gather, emotionally abuse one another, and have pie.
Practice Makes Permanent
Becoming aware of the active presence of the 5 R’s is the first step to interrupting this destructive pattern. When you find yourself in the 5 R’s, here are steps to immediately place the relationship on positive footing.
1. Catch resentment.
Resentment is negative emotional reactions to what you think was said or done, or not said or done. Resentment shows up as: “He needs to . . .” “I’m not perfect, but . . .” “She should . . .”
Drama words show you are stuck in resentment when you are stuck in drama.
Solution: Shift to gratitude. “I’m grateful he . . .” “What fun to . . .” “I’m thankful she . . .”
2. Resistance is cutting off communication and connection.
Avoiding eye contact or giving the silent treatment is shutting down emotionally and relationally toward another.
Solution: Engage. Make eye contact, have conversations. Clear the air by saying, “The story I’m making up in my head about ________ is _______________.”
3. Revenge is taking advantage of a situation or setting up an opportunity to hurt another.
If you are saying something like, “Now he will know how it feels” or “Serves her right” or “He had it coming,” you are in revenge.
Solution: Extend generosity to the person you feel revengeful toward. Does the person deserve generosity? Probably not. That’s why it’s called grace.
Perhaps the person who hurt you is not safe. An abusive spouse is not someone to be connected to. Neither is the business partner who ripped you off. In such situations, be generous elsewhere, but be generous or you’ll become bitter.
4. Repeat.
A toxic pattern is to believe that because you are hurt, you have the right to be unkind and hurtful. Then you hurt someone, and they hurt you, and you are offended, and they are offended, and in that offense both parties dive deeply into the 5 R’s.
Solution: Release others from your expectations of how they should act or behave.
“Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult” (Proverbs 12:16 NIV).
Fact versus Fiction
Truth Bomb: The truth is we can typically avoid the 5 R’s by—
• sticking to the facts
• being graciously generous
• practicing gratitude
• not taking ourselves or others too seriously
Occasionally, those closest to us do reject us.
What’s vital is how we respond, and the 5 R’s are the antithesis of maturity, healthy relationships, and good adulting. Without the 5 R’s, we lay down our defenses, freely cheer on others, celebrate our beloveds, enjoy relationships, and laugh until milk comes out our noses.
These gatherings are none of the emotional drama and all of the pie.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV).
Find practical tips and tangible helps in The Ten Best Decisions A Single Mom Can Make by Pam Farrel and PeggySue Wells. Single Mom and parenting resources are available at SingleMomCircle.com
