By Debbie W. Wilson
My client’s frustration spilled out in my office.
“I’m stunned. I just learned I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year. That’s what my sister told our extended family. Why does she do this to me?”
“Why don’t you say something?” I asked. She hesitated.
Speaking up felt selfish. Yet the resentment brewing inside her felt worse. Was she the selfish one? After all, this was family. Instead of addressing the issue, she turned to her usual escape—food.
Women in leadership can often feel that pressure to be agreeable. We step in, smooth things over and make it work. But when someone’s actions stir emotions that cloud our thinking, we need to appeal to reasonableness.
Are my emotions appropriate for what happened? Are their expectations fair—or is my perspective off?
Discerning What’s Reasonable
One way to discern what’s sensible is to mentally trade places with the other person.
Imagine announcing, “We’re all coming to your house for Thanksgiving,” without asking. Would you do that? If not, it may not be reasonable for them to do that to you. The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you,” helps us evaluate behavior. Sometimes discomfort reveals differences in personality or culture. Other times, it signals a boundary has been crossed.
Stepping into another’s shoes helps us determine whether we’re being oversensitive or they’re overstepping. That clarity allows us to respond calmly. If I’m offending someone, I’d want them to tell me— gently and honestly—rather than withdraw or grumble behind my back. Healthy relationships depend on that kind of communication. Still, not everyone will understand. A controlling person may never see your perspective—but they don’t have to for you to be free.
Controlling or Clueless
A controlling person can’t control us without our consent.
Often, when we say we don’t know how to deal with a controlling person, we mean we don’t know how to say no without disappointing them or facing their reaction. But compliance driven by fear isn’t love. It’s manipulation. And if the person is clueless to the pain they’re causing, we haven’t helped either of us. Allowing ourselves to be managed by someone’s expectations creates resentment. Respect creates room for honesty and healthy connection.
We don’t need to raise our voice to set a boundary. A calm response is usually more effective: “I wish you’d asked me before making plans that involved me. I’m not able to host this year, but I’d love to help.” Or: “I appreciate your enthusiasm. I can host this time, but next time, please check with me first.” Kindness and clarity can coexist.
Choosing with Intention
Unexamined yeses can lead to resentment.
Before agreeing, ask: Can I do this with a joyful heart? God loves a cheerful giver, and people can tell when we’re not. Half-hearted compliance shows. If we choose to say yes, let’s own that decision. Blaming others later only drains us.
I’ve gone against my better judgment more times than I can count, bowing to someone who spoke with authority. When my instincts proved right, I wasted energy wishing they’d listened—when I hadn’t fully weighed or stood by my decision.
No one can force us to agree. Managing ourselves— our decisions and responses—is where freedom begins.
The Freedom of Clear Boundaries
Once we discern what’s reasonable, we decide how we’ll engage.
Counting the cost before we commit protects us from bitterness later. Sometimes the best way to guard our hearts is to stop giving automatic yeses. Learning this takes practice. Give yourself grace.
A humble request is very different from an entitled demand. When we consistently comply with unreasonable expectations, we reinforce them.
If this has been an issue for you, consider the following:
• What name showing on your caller ID makes you cringe and why? Are this person’s demands or expectations unreasonable? What makes you feel obligated to comply? What are you afraid of—their anger or hurt, or your own discomfort? Are you afraid you’ll agree to something you don’t want to?
• From where does the pressure to comply come? From them or from expectations you’ve put on yourself?
• If they meet an important need in your life, let’s say a paycheck, service, or friendship, how can you strengthen that area, so you no longer depend so much on them? (Find another job or add some new friends.)
• Do you need to forgive this person for taking advantage of you in the past? Choose to forgive and be willing to cut any unhealthy tie. Ask God to help you begin a more constructive way of relating to this person. Controllers may leave us for someone more compliant. But as we grow healthier, we’ll attract healthier friends.
Lord Jesus, you said the fear of people ensnares us. Thank you for guiding me on this path of freedom.
Adapted from Big Hurt, Bigger God (Leafwood Publishers, June 2026)
