By Pam Farrel
The past few years have been quite the uphill climb in our marriage.
We have been serving as caregivers for Bill’s elderly parents for almost a decade. His father is now in heaven, but his mom will turn 95 in a few weeks!
In addition to this daily caregiving, mostly carried by my husband, about two years ago, Bill rushed me to the ER. I was immediately taken to the ICU where I was diagnosed with a life- threatening DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis, a condition where escalating glucose plunges a patient into a diabetic coma). To save my life, the doctors placed me in a medically induced coma.
God wrapped His love and peace around me and ushered me into the heavenlies, while Bill continued to be an advocate for me with the medical team as he waited to see if God would send me back to his arms. I share this story in my interactive memoir, Glimpse of God’s Glory: One Woman’s Near-Death Experience. Bill then helped me rebuild my health and regained the joy of living an active life. Then, about four months ago, we were visiting our son, daughter-in-law and young grandson for Mother’s Day.
We arrived about midnight, I gave hugs, then headed to bed.
About 3:30 am I awakened in excruciating abdominal pain. I tried to tough it out until sunrise, then in unbearable pain, I shrieked, “Bill, you have to get me to the ER. Something is very wrong!” Bill, once again, rushed me to the hospital (aptly located on Mercy Lane).
After a battery of tests, I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and ovarian cancer. Surgery, recovery, and chemo have followed.
Once again, Bill is serving as a dual caregiver—this time for me and his mother. In a caregiving situation in marriage, your love can be nurtured—despite the added responsibility—if you each choose to extend God’s love and tender-loving care to each other.
Here’s an acrostic for the C.A.R.E. the caregiver can extend to the patient—or spouse—in need:
C—Comfort: Soothe his/her fears and provide a sense of peace.
Be attentive to needs: physical, emotional and spiritual.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4 NIV).
A—Advocate: Speak up for his/her needs and ensure they receive proper care.
We found it is vital to attend all doctor appointments together, as it takes two brains to make notes and ask all questions and gain medical clarity.
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy” (Proverbs 31:8–9 NIV).
R—Reassure: Calm their anxieties and offer words of hope.
Even a spouse with deep faith may experience doubt or question God.
As a spouse, fortify your own faith so you can loan and extend it to your mate in times of need.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6–7 NIV).
E—Encourage: Uplift their spirits and motivate them through the challenges.
If you are next to your mate as he/she steps up to various challenges, then victories are shared moments that can draw you closer as a couple.
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV).
Conversely, here’s an acronym for G.I.V.E. that focuses on what a patient or ill spouse can do for his/her caregiver:
G—Gratitude: Express appreciation for his/her care and dedication.
Say, “Thank you!” often and frequently throughout the season of stress.
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV).
I—Inspire: Encourage your caregiver by showing resilience and hope.
Our caregiver should not work harder on our wellness journey than we are willing to work.
Our positive mindset can be contagious to the entire family.
“Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16 NIV).
V—Value: Acknowledge their efforts and the sacrifices they make.
Be specific in your praise and gratitude for their contributions.
Be sure to praise them in front of family, friends and the medical community.
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12 NIV).
E—Empathize: Show understanding for their feelings and challenges.
Pressure will build up.
If they express emotion, be compassionate toward their unique journey.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NIV).
